I Hate Fat People

I don't even know if I should be using the word "people" to describe them... Do walking lumps of lard really qualify to be classified under the category of homo sapiens? Should a new sub species be created to cater to them? But then again, why go through all that extra work? Seriously, who gives a flying fuck about them?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against all fat beings. When I say fat I'm pointing my finger at those who are disgustingly obese and walk around swaggering side to side like a balloon that's about to burst. I'm referring to the fatty that barely fits into a chair and still stuffs his/her face at the buffet table. I'm talking about those who reach that disgusting stage where the back of their neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Nothing against those that fall a little on the chubby side. Some may actually be considered hot (chicks of course). I point you in the direction of a certain Drew Barrymore, whom I think is pretty hot with that pouty face of hers. I know, some of you are thinking I'm turning soft, but I'm human after all. My capacity for love is surprisingly large at times. And of course, fat "people" who are funny are naturally excused. They are afterall, funny...




















For those that have questions about fat "people", I have taken the time off to prepare a series of FAQ to answer all your queries. This is the result of extensive research and answers have been verified by a professional panel of GYs that hate fat people.

Fat "People" FAQ

Are fat "people' dangerous?

YES. An adult fatty can easily crush a grown man between its butt cheeks. Plus they emit large amounts of flammable methane gas and they usually have rabies.

What do fat "people' eat that makes them so fat?

A fatty typically consist approximately 85% body fat and 15% bacon. Not surprisingly the preferred food of fatties is bacon, followed closely by French Fries. However when fatties enter a feeding frenzy they have been noted to consume whole birthday cakes, live chickens, and even humans.

Can fat "people' be domesticated for use as pets or plowing fields?

No, unfortunately they are not intellligent enough.

How do fat "people' reproduce?

That is still a mystery. This much is known: Fatties in the wild communicate through a series of grunts and squeals, and when in heat will attempt to mate with anything handy including spare tires and apple pies.

Are fat "people' related to humans?

Classic theory places the fatty on the evolutionary scale somewhere between softshell crab and a plate of chicken Cordon Bleu. Recent research however seems to indicate that fatties may actually be a mutation of normal homo sapiens that have been infected by a virus known as "Icantstopeatingrus".

If after reading this article you feel like you may want to take a stand against them, there are of course a number of ways you can do so. I have taken the liberty of putting down here a list of things that you can do to help the cause that is generally accepted as the most humane ways possible to solve the problem:

1) Using a piece of wood, bean a fatty in the back of the head as it's walking down a flight of stairs.
2) Blow up a bacon factory. Interrupting enemy supply lines is a tried and tested wartime tactic.
3) Puke in a fatty's face. Just be careful not to get too close as you might get caught in the fatty's gravitational field.
4) Cram one of these up your ass: _1_. It wouldn't actually help the cause but it'd be pretty funny.
5) Hold a fatty awareness rally at your HDB void deck. Work the residents up into a frenzy of hate, arm them with soup ladles and brooms then release them into a locked cage with some fatties you had lured in advance with bacon. Then run like hell.
6) Elephant Glue a fatty's mouth shut (stapling may be substitued for Elephant Glue if you are environmentally conscious type).

The writer reserves the right to insult fat "people' over and over again and thanks everyone who has contributed to his research.